Romance

I am in an emotionally healthy relationship!  One that does not trigger codependency, anxiety, or clinginess in me!  This is a new thing.

I’m beginning to realize how much I appreciate the small things in a relationship.

  • A man who wants me in his life, is not afraid to say that to me and to the world, and goes to great lengths to pursue me.
  • Being able to text “I miss you” in the middle of a workday, without stopping to wonder if that’s too clingy.  Every text from me is welcomed wholeheartedly.
  • Pacing the relationship properly:  being able to enjoy the early stages of a relationship without jumping right into bed with someone.
  • Getting two or three phone calls a day from a man who wants to talk to me and hear all about my day.
  • Sweet texts at unexpected times.
  • Roses.
  • Being treated to lots of dinners, movies, and concerts, with no expectations of anything from me in return.
  • Holding hands in church.  Holding hands at dinner.  Holding hands on a walk.  Holding hands at the movies.  I love holding hands!
  • Two-hour phone conversations.
  • Being able to be a bitch accidentally, realize it, apologize for it, and move on, without it ever turning into an argument.
  • Not having to check myself for codependent, approval-seeking behavior.  I already have his approval, and he verbalizes that approval regularly.
  • Hearing every day that I’m beautiful.

I was not looking for this.  After the fairly recent pain of a broken relationship, there was no way I wanted to put myself out there to get hurt again.  However, looking for it or not, I found it, and it’s wonderful.

Sometimes the meetings are hard to process.

I go to meetings to process my stuff.  But sometimes the meetings are hard to process.  Tonight I met a woman whose 5-month-old daughter was killed by her alcoholic husband, 4 weeks ago.  My heart breaks for her.  My pain seems petty and selfish in comparison.  Also, I wish my own children were in this state right now so I could hug them hard.

Then, a newcomer shared about being in a relationship with an alcoholic in recovery, and how she didn’t like how the relationship was changing her.  How she seemed preoccupied all the time about winning his approval.  How she sometimes caught herself trying to manipulate people and circumstances to win his approval.  How it made her feel desperate and dependent and unhappy and not herself, and she wanted to stop, because she really loves him and is afraid she is going to fuck it up.  I don’t even know where to start processing that one, except to say, sometimes you serve the newcomer, and sometimes she serves you.